Armour - why we protect ourselves -Our own hard shell prevents self pity

Pity is a form of external validation that is based off feelings of inferiority. The desire of external validation and the internal lack of self esteem is a serious 1-2 punch knocking down our happiness levels. - Anon

Protecting ourselves from the outside world even sometimes from those nearest and dearest to us is not about closing everyone else out it is more about protecting ourselves from the overwhelming feeling and knowledge of not being able to control the tsunami of tears that just might ensue if someone close to us just so much as gives us a hug to comfort us.

Sometimes we have had to build the hard shell around ourselves, prevent ourselves from the outside world knowing that we are vulnerable. Vulnerability for us is not cute and endearing it is a curse. An emotion that we must hide from and protect those around us from seeing. We are unable to drop our battle armour, to do so for us is a weakness that we can not afford to admit to.

We are strong women, we have the ability to take on the world. No matter the struggle it does not break us down and it does not get in the way of the job in hand that we find ourselves fighting. Everyone’s fight is different , for some of us we have amazing support and people we can lean on in time of tragedy or turmoil but if like me you are the rock, you are the glue that keeps everyone together , you are the one that everyone else expects to fix everything then buckling under pressure is not an option.

For us , please do not ask if I am ok. Don’t offer a hug and don’t give me sympathy, that my friend is my undoing. Offer a hand , offer to listen, offer to be there if I need you, that is as much as I can cope with in this situation. Am I self centred and unfeeling ? No , I have more emotions and sentimentality than most other people on this planet but when i need to focus, when i need to be the strength that everyone else depends on then I can not afford to break and any of the above signs of affection have the opposite effect to that which you offered.

I will not feel comforted, I will feel broken, I will not feel love Iwill feel self pity, I will not feel supported , I will feel weak . Once the flood gates of tears begin, there is no stopping them, I loose control and in doing so I can not control the most important issue which in this occasion is not me. This is neither the time nor the place to be the princess. This moment is about resolution, it is about working through turmoil until there is an end to the problem. When I have had time to gather my thoughts and realise what exactly I have actually done , what I have helped someone else with , then I will have my time, then I will have time to take a breath, to go to a quiet space, and to unleash the tears when no one around me will be aware, in private, when I can free myself of the burden of being the rock, the glue and the general support for every possible excuse.

We crave independence , we want to be these iconic women that can take on the world. We have created a place where we don’t really want to be deep down. We have protected ourselves from every battle. We have created a state of mind where we have made everyone expect us to be the super heroine, we work, we nurture, we mother, we wife, we sibling, we daughter, we entrepreneur , we lead and we follow, we tolerate and we also command , we are not your equal we are your competition, but do we want to be this person? What happened to shared responsibilities. While we were off being these super human beings it seems to me that we lost our ability to be women , we lost the ability to accept help, to be loved, to be cherished. How do we reclaim that personality? Have we pushed everyone so far away that we can not have that back ?

Trying to be all things to everyone leaves us with little room to be us. Do we even know who we are any longer? Do you remember what your dreams are or were ? I certainly struggle to remember mine in fact I’m not sure I took the time ever to dream, perhaps this is our time, this is the time to dream big, to discover what it is that we truly want from this amazing thing that we call life.

Xx Lei

A TRUE HERO ISN'T MEASURED BY THE SIZE OF HER STRENGTH BUT BY THE SIZE OF HER HEART. - HERCULES