Gaslighting

What is Gaslighting ?

Gaslighting is “psychological manipulation of a person usually over an extended period of time that causes the victim to question the validity of their own thoughts, perception of reality, or memories and typically leads to confusion, loss of confidence and self-esteem, uncertainty of one’s emotional or mental stability, and a dependency on the perpetrator.” Merriam-Webster

Have you ever found yourself in that situation where your significant other is adamant that they have told you something of importance and you have absolutely no recollection of the event? You know in your own mind for sure

that they have not even mentioned this subject let alone included you in the planning or execution of such a plan. They believe their own version of truth so intently , that you begin to second guess you’re own mind, you begin to back track your memory banks in an effort to retract even a little spark of idea that this conversation did occur at some point and you had forgot it, still nothing comes to mind, you now begin to think that you are being forgetful, is it brain fog , its my

age or even “ am I losing my mind.” This is not you it's them and this is gaslighting.

Lying to you

Gas lighters often do have narcissistic traits and behaviours. They rarely admit when they are wrong, and even if you call them out on a lie or act of deceit they will never admit to it, in fact they may actually talk around in a circle until you

suddenly think that you were the one in the wrong or that the whole issue never actually happened, you will feel so confused that you will be the one that apologises even though you never had any part of the deceit. They are masters of

this act of deceit, they can lie and manipulate situations without even a thought, it is their natural behaviour we could say they are habitual pathological liars, they do it so easily that they believe that their own lies are truth and in that way can convince you of the same fact.

Diminish you

It is common for someone who is gaslighting you to lie to you about how others think of you. This is a form of control, they will lead you to believe that friends, co-workers and even family members are talking badly of you , in some cases

they will go as far as to spread malicious rumours about you. This may all be a fabrication in the mind of the gaslighter, they want to keep you dependant on them, so they create this ring of deceit so that you feel that you can’t trust anyone

but them, once again you are second guessing your own mind , you are being manipulated into believing someone else’s lie and false belief.

Diversion

When you realise that your partner is gaslighting you , you may begin to become more aware of when it is happening. If you try to call them out on this be prepared, no matter what you ask them the will not respond with an answer, they will respond with another question to divert your attention from the answer that you so desperately want to hear. They will try to flip this whole scenario onto you, and if you are not prepared for this you once again without a doubt will be left

feeling guilty, wrong and to blame and you will repeat the process of apologising for something that did not even involve you in the first place.

Trivialising your Emotions

When dealing with someone who is gaslighting you they will always have a way to make you feel that no matter what your emotion is , grief, pleasure, anger, frustration that you are over exaggerating, even when you are happy or filled

with Joy they will find a way to reduce that in such a way that you will believe that it is wrong to feel those emotions. That you are being obnoxious or overbearing, overreacting or over sensitive in some cases. All of these judgements of your behaviour leave you feeling wrong. The gas lighter will not acknowledge your opinions or beliefs or even desires, they will undermine you at every opportunity and in that way will make you feel insecure and doubt your own abilities , you will begin to feel misunderstood , and can lead to isolation and withdrawal from the world .

The Blame Game

They always look for right and wrong in every situation, no matter the context or the conversation there always has to be a right or wrong result and believe me you are always in the wrong. A gas lighter will always find a way to manipulate

the conversation in such a way that they twist and turn everything full circle until you are to blame, and they are experts at it, they can flip every story easier than a cordon bleu chef can flip a crepe. They will lead you to believe that had you

done something differently this would not have happened. For me gaslighting is a form of bullying. They victimise us to exclude themselves from taking responsibility for their own actions, diverting blame to anyone else other than themselves. The victim is left feeling invisible and unimportant and this is all part of the controlling personality that wants to keep you within their grip.

Tenderness

Gas lighters are not beyond the realms of using emotions to keep you where they want you. They seem to thrive on your need for them. They will use kind loving almost romantic words to reel you back in, especially when you are at your breaking point, when you let this happen it will turn to , you know I love you, I wouldn’t be like this if you didn’t do this or that , we didn’t need to get so angry it's all on you etc etc , and once again you will be left feeling that all of this is your responsibility and that they are perfect , they do not take blame for anything , they are never wrong and you will not ever gain respect from them.

5 Steps to deal with gaslighting

1. Distance yourself from the gaslighter

2. Journal the episodes of gaslighting

3. Make clear boundaries

4. Talk to someone outside of your relationship

5. Terminate the relationship

The most important thing to remember is that none of this is your fault.

Xx Lei

IF GAS LIGHTING IS YOUR SECOND LANGUAGE, I AM FLUENT IN DISENGAGING FROM FURTHER COMMUNICATION - PAMELA STORCH