Lessons we can learn from grief

Autumn season is normally chilly and the air somehow smells different to me. I love the changing season, the leaves falling from the trees, the crisp weather that nips at our fingers and toes. The darker evenings and any excuse to curl up under the duvet for hot chocolate and a dvd day.

However September also is a stark reminder that I no longer get to share these moments with my Mother. She hated the turn of the season and the dark evenings, she said she felt closed in by the dark evenings and I could never understand that until now.

She passed two years ago and I thought I had dealt quite well with that. Until this year. I don't know why or what happend, there didn't seem to be any particular trigger, but so far this year has been the worst for me. We did not have the Disney version of Mother/Daughter relationship, but yet I would say that we did have a close relationship.

Perhaps it is the changes in our own relationships that draw our memories back to loved ones. Their loss is felt more intimately when we realise that we no longer have that hug, the understanding, even that viporous tongue that can jolt us back to reality. For me my Mother was the only one who had no filter that I would permit to speak to me as only she could. Losing her has opened my eyes to the fact that her character and how she dominated us was not out of spite but out of love. She had no role model and she was tough because she had no alternative.

I often wonder why it takes us so long to understand the woman we all call our Mother. We seem to regard them as saints or some kind of superhero, we expect them not to have feelings, to respect us even though we don't always respect them, we take them for granted without realisation, we expect them to be available no matter the time night or day, the expectation of unconditional love is front and centre even though sometimes we don't deserve that love. Mostly their sacrifice to provide for us is unimaginable yet how often do we actually show gratitude for the incredible women they are?

We think that we know them, they are our mothers , right ? When was the last time you sat with your Mother and asked her just one thing about her? Not about how she's feeling or what's for dinner? About her as a woman.

If you have read any of my previous posts where I have discussed my Mother you will know that I learned more about her after her passing than I did while she was alive. I no longer have the opportunity, I wish I did. I now have so many questions that will remain unanswered.

What were her personal dreams? What was on her bucket list? Did she enjoy her life? Did she really want to have children? What did she regret in life? If she could do anything what would she do? I honestly don't believe that anyone in her life ever asked her those questions, we didn't stop to realise that she was a woman before she was our everything.

She cooked, she cleaned, she cared, she loved, she ran to the ends of the earth for us. She enabled us to do whatever we chose. She travelled the globe, but did she ever go anywhere she wanted to ? I don't know. She accepted whatever life gave her, who knows perhaps that is what made her happy.

It is now Autumn. I get to reflect on these unanswered questions. My journal is filled with what ifs. What if I talked to her more and she loved to talk. What if I listened more instead of being too busy to stop and spend time with her.

We talk about quality time. I never really understood quality time until it was taken from me. Don't miss an opportunity to get to know the women in your life. Quality time is a gift not afforded to us all.

My goal this month is to find the answer to one question about my Mother that I never knew the answer to. What's your goal? Share with us in the comments below.

xx Lei

DEATH IS THE MOTHER OF BEAUTY, HENCE FROM HER, ALONE, SHALL COME FULFILMENT TO OUR DREAMS - Wallace Stevens