Why Unconditional Love Is Not A Maternal Instinct

TRULY LOVING ANOTHER MEANS LETTING GO OF ALL EXPECTATIONS, IT MEANS FULL ACCEPTANCE, EVEN CELEBRATING OF ANOTHER'S PERSONHOOD - Karen Casey

We are told a Mother's love is unconditional. A bond that nothing can penetrate much less break. A Mother's love is precious and undying. Walt Disney can not create the depth or intimacy of the emotions that come with a Mother's Love. It gives us that false feeling of security when we think of that diamond that is described as a Mother's love. We get all glazed eyed and tearful thinking of these perfect human beings that we call Mother.

However, this is not always the case. The one thing that we all seem to forget is that these saintly beings are women first. They are human, they make mistakes and they in some cases have had the responsibility of motherhood thrust upon them because a partner has left leaving them holding the baby so to speak ( no pun intended).

Not only are these women expected to put their lives on hold for the rest of their lives but it is an expectation that they should love unconditionally, regardless of what their child becomes, regardless of the choices this child makes, regardless of the decisions this child makes and when this child makes poor choices and decisions it appears to reflect that the Mother didn't do a good job in raising her little bundle of joy.

What of women through choices or circumstance that do not have children, those of us who have not had a family of their own. Does that mean that those women are incapable of unconditional love ?

Unconditional love is not restricted to Motherhood. Unconditional love is not even gender specific. Unconditional love is not a natural instinct, if it were we would all be able to show it without thought. I don't need to tell you, the fact is written everywhere you look, there are lots of Mother's who do not bond with their children, so clearly unconditional love is not restricted to maternal instinct. Many childless Aunts show more unconditional love or at least just as much as some biological Mothers.

Some Fathers through choice or circumstance find themselves in the positions of carer for their children taking the place of both Mother and Father, and what of the parents who are not the biological parents but are devoted to other people's children, that love and nurture and show unconditional love.

For me unconditional love, is a love too deep to express with words or emotions, it is not gender specific, it is not solely a Mothers unique gift, it is not a forced commodity or something that we can possess.

Unconditional love is given freely, just as we breathe and expect the next moment to be filled with more air so our hearts expect to receive unconditional love. It is unfair and unrealistic to expect this from our parents just because they are our parents. We must be aware and realise it is us that put our parents on the pedestal and ultimately us that feel anguish whey they fall from that pedestal. our parents are first and foremost human beings with feelings and emotions of their own.

Perhaps it is time to lower our expectations of them. Perhaps it is time to stop and think about why they act how they do. Are they overwhelmed by their responsibilities? Are they struggling with past choices and decisions? Who knows perhaps they too are feeling the hurts of a past life, a life that you have been protected from.

Love is not unconditional, to receive we must also give. it seems to me that unconditional love must be nurtured like any other. Love needs to be fed. The more you give the more you get in return. It is important to tell our children that we love them just as we hope they remember to tell us too.

I think one thing important to remember is that Mothers give us life and for the most part they give their lives in sacrifice for us, they put their lives on hold to give us a better future to the best of their abilities, it is important to respect and acknowledge their decisions, they are women first and foremost and as we all know sometimes we make good decisions others are a little questionable, but regardless we make them knowing they were right and good in that moment in time.

This Sunday is Mother's Day in the UK. While we celebrate the woman who brought us into the world perhaps it is time to reflect and ask the question, Am I receiving unconditional love from her ? Am I judging her too harshly simply because she is my Mother? Am I giving her unconditional love or obligatory love? It's time to remember they are woman , not saints, they are doing the best they can.

xx Lei

THE ONLY WAY LOVE CAN LAST A LIFETIME IS IF IT IS UNCONDiTIONAL. THE TRUTH IS THIS : LOVE IS NOT DETERMINED BY THE ONE BEING LOVED BUT RATHER BY THE ONE CHOOSING TO LOVE - Stephen Kendrick